Category Archives: Humor

A Selection of Actual Radio Station Call Letters That Are Actually Words

KISS-FM 99.5, San Antonio, Texas
“99.5 Kiss”  Format: Rock

WEST-AM 1400, Easton, Pennsylvania
“Music and Memories AM1400″ Format: Nostalgia

WHEN-AM 620, Syracuse, New York
“Sportsradio Sportsmonster” Format: Sports

WHAT-AM 1340, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
“The Voice of the African American Community” Format: Talk

WUSS-AM 1490, Pleasantville, New Jersey
“SuperHits of the 60’s & 70’s” Format: Oldies

KELP-AM 1590, El Paso, Texas
“El Paso’s Christian Station” Format: Religious

KEEP-FM 103.1, Bandera, Texas
“Texas Rebel Radio the Fan” Format: Adult Album Alternative

KILT-FM 100.3, Houston, Texas
“Houston’s #1Country Station” Format: Country

WALK-FM 97.5, Patchogue, New York
“Long Island’s Best Variety” Format: Adult Contemporary

WHO-AM 1040, Des Moines, Iowa
“News Radio 1040 (Who)” Format: News

(2005)

The Developers’ Revue

I started working for an IT company during the Y2K fears. We fixed a number of issues for some large corporate entities, leading to a few lucrative contracts that lasted for a year or two. Then the ownership got caught up with internet start-ups and other tech ventures. We were done within a couple years. Just before leaving, I created a mini-Broadway musical to memorialize the experience.

I have edited the original to protect the foolish.

Copyrights for the original songs that are parodied remain with the current owners, obviously.

[Three developers enter, Juan, Dawn and Leon. Dawn begins meditatively]

I Don’t Know Internet Start-up
(I Don’t Know How to Love Him
Original by Andrew Lloyd Webber and Tim Rice)

I don’t know Internet Start-up
Where they are, they keep moving.
We’ve been ripped, yes really ripped.
In these past few days, when I’ve met with them,
They seem like something less.
I don’t know how to bill them.
I don’t know why they’ve moved again.
They’re a scam. They’re just a scam.
And I’ve seen so many scams before,
Like an a$$h*le,
They’re just one more.
Should we bring them down?
Should we scream and shout?
Should we speak of court,
Let our lawyers out?
We never thought it’d come to this.
Where is their Sales Lead?
She was just a little funny
It was good to hear her words
Yet I’ve never met someone
So rude, so full of so much bull.
Asking for our dough-
It’s always no.
We never thought it’d come to this.
Where’s their sales force?
Yet, if they hired anyone,
They wouldn’t sell. They could not sell
In person or on the phone.
Are they defunct? Or just bankrupt?
We really do care.
Since they still owe.
Oh, how they owe.
They really owe.

[Juan and Leon immediately launch into a new song]

Jellicle Sites
(Jellicle Songs for Jellicle Cats
Original by Andrew Lloyd Webber and T.S. Eliot)

How much food can you eat? How about a whale shark?
Which is the biggest part? Your ankle or wrist bone?
How old is Dick Clark? Who starred in Wait Until Dark?
How many people have married Sharon Stone?

Because trivia is and trivia does
Trivia does and trivia would
Trvia would and trivia can
Trivia can and trivia does

How much saliva does Steve Ballmer secrete?
How many times does he wipe his face on his sleeves?
Is your trivia knowledge always incomplete?
Then you should learn to Google or Yahoo or Ask Jeeves.

Because trivia can and trivia does
Trivia does and trivia can
Trivia can and trivia does
Trivia does and trivia can
Trivia can and trivia does

[Enter Dawn, who changes the song mid-stream]

Can you take your new browser to places far distant?
Familiar with keyboard, with mouse, and with screen?
You can cut back on your staff- fire your assistant.
Think of all of the profits that this could mean.

Does your office have kinks? Do you want to store links?
Are you keen to be heard via Internet chat?
For a low, low price and a round of drinks
We can make you into the ultimate Internet cat.

Intranet sites for Internet cats
Intranet sites for Internet cats
Intranet sites for Internet cats
Intranet sites for Internet cats
Intranet sites for Internet cats

We can do javascript, we can do ASP
And just like that your application will be done
We’ve got two UPS and one Pentium III
We have got our own NOC, we’ve got a T1

Intranets can and Intranets do
Intranets can and Intranets do
Intranets can and Intranets do
Intranets can and Intranets do
Intranet sites for Intranet cats
Intranet sites for Internet cats
Intranet sites for Internet cats
Intranet sites for Internet cats

Can you have a website and an intranet too?
Can you schedule office appointments online?
Can we save you from what worms do to you?
Hold your hand and say that all will be just fine?

Intranet sites are king of the nights
Loading files and securing the rights
Handling files from everywhere
Hallelujah, jellical choir

We’ve an infinity of programmatical affinity
We can do Visual Basic
And then it will be way so quick!
Hasty, happy, happ’ning and true
To others who do – sick

Intranets do and Intranets can
Intranets can and Intranets do
Intranet cats sing Intranets chants
Internets old and Intranets new
Intranet shirts and Intranet pants
Intranet sites for Internet cats
Intranet sites for Internet cats
Intranet sites for Internet cats
Intranet sites for Internet cats

Practical sites, Trivial sites
Mercury Print-ical sites, Fanatical sites
Oracle sites, Educational sites
Skeptical sites, Dispeptical sites
Romantical sites, Penantical sites
Critical sites, Parasitical sites
IBC-ical sites, Metaphorical sites
Statistical sites and Mystical sites
Political sites, Hypocritical sites
Clerical sites, Hysterical sites
Cynical sites, Rabbinical sites

Intranet sites for Internet cats
Intranet sites for Internet cats
Intranet sites for Internet cats
Intranet sites for Internet cats
Intranet sites for Internet cats

There’s a man over there with a look of surprise
As much as to say Well now, how about that?
Do I actually see with my own very eyes
A man who’s not much of an Internet cat?
What’s an Intranet site? What’s an Intranet site?

[Juan struggles to the front of the stage and sings plaintively]

Don’t Cry for Us Temp Agency
(Don’t Cry for Me Argentina
Original by Tim Rice and Andrew Lloyd Webber)

It won’t be easy
You’ll think it strange
When we try to explain how they work
Their owner needs our love
After all that we’ve done
We could not believe
All we would see
Is a man who couldn’t do
The simplest things for you or me
There was nothing that he knew

We had to let it happen
We had to leave
Couldn’t talk about his youth again
Staring out of the window
Running out of the door
But we worked some more
Running around finding something to do
But none there impressed us at all
We never expected them to

Don’t cry for us temp agency
The truth is we never left you
You grew and grew
Ignored signs of trouble
Fueled by the nineties
Internet bubble

And as for custom developers
You never should have brought them in
It’s us you should’ve hired
We were all you desired
They were illusions
They’re not the solutions
They promised to be
The answer was here all the time
You were blind and would never see

Don’t cry for us temp agency
Don’t cry for us temp agency
The truth is we never left you
You grew and grew
Ignored signs of trouble
Fueled by the nineties
Internet bubble

Have we said too much?
There’s nothing more we can think of to say to you
But all you have to do
Is look at us to know
That every word is true

[A stranger, possibly, bounds onto the stage; he kicks things into high gear for the finale]

Jesus Christ Microsoft
(Superstar
Original by Tim Rice and Andrew Lloyd Webber)

Ev’ry time I click on Start
I don’t understand
Why I have to buy your stuff
Again and again
You’d be better loved
If you had a plan
Now we’re stuck in a backward time
in any-key land
But your products
Should be cheap and easy to get
The nineteen-seventies
Didn’t have the internet

(Don’t you buy Red Hat) Don’t you buy Apple
(Don’t you get Red Hat, now) Don’t you get Apple
(Don’t you buy Red Hat) Don’t you buy Apple
(Don’t you get Red Hat, now) Don’t you get Apple
(Only use Windows) Only use Windows
(Only use Windows, now) Only use Windows
(Only want Windows) Only want Windows
(Only want Windows, now) Only want Windows

Microsoft
Microsoft
Antitrust- it let’s you overprice
Microsoft
Microsoft
Antitrust- it let’s you overprice
Jesus Christ
Microsoft
Does Steve Ballmer dream of Lara Croft?
Jesus Christ
Microsoft
Lotus never should have scoffed

Hey, Bill, what d’you think
About your friends at the top
Now who d’ya’ think besides yourself
Is the pick of the crop?
Paul Allen buys sports teams and is
A philanthropist
Apple never will go away
They’ve got too many patents
Did you mean to buy Foxpro?
Why’d’ya start MSNBC?
What about Crystal Reports?
Did you know that your IE
Would land in federal court?

(Don’t you get Netscape) Don’t you buy Mozill’
(Don’t you get Netscape, now) Don’t you buy Mozill’
(Don’t you get Netscape) Don’t you buy Mozill’
(Don’t you get Netscape, now) Don’t you buy Mozill’
(Only want IE) Only use IE
(Only want IE, now) Only use IE
(Only want IE) Only use IE
(Only want IE, now) We Only Use IE

Microsoft
Microsoft
Antitrust- it let’s you overprice
Microsoft
Microsoft
Antitrust- it let’s you overprice
Jesus Christ
Microsoft
Does Steve Ballmer dream of Lara Croft?
Jesus Christ
Microsoft
Lotus never should have scoffed
Microsoft
Microsoft
Antitrust- it let’s you overprice
Microsoft
Microsoft
Antitrust- it let’s you overprice
Jesus Christ
Microsoft
Won’t let anyone else stay aloft?
Jesus Christ
Microsoft
Gates was built by Sid and Marty Kroft

[Bows]
[Curtain Calls]

(2002)

2006 Holiday Event Calendar

–This one was edited heavily prior to publication; probably for the best

We here at Family Values Central couldn’t help but notice a recent influx of events for this April 1 holiday. Venturing to the City sub-basement, we confronted the Junior Correspondent in Charge of Press Releases and Staff Tattoos. (His desk had to be moved after an unpleasant incident last April involving the editor, four ounces of vinegar, and a raccoon.) According to the J.C.C.P.R.S.T., “You’d have to be a fool not to call ahead.” Bearing that in mind, here’s the Family Valued April Fool’s Day Calendar:

Event: Gilli-Con’s Island — film series (featuring the entire run of Gilligan’s Planet), collectibles, costume contest, special appearance by Ed Wade of The Wellingtons, UR River Campus 9-1 a.m. Free.

Special Event: Museum of Science Christmas in April Craft Show — crafts, cookies, hot apple cider, holiday music, Museum of Science, 11 a.m. – 1 p.m. $2.98 (exact change appreciated).

Exhibition: Memorial Art Gallery Family Fun Day, 1 p.m.: You Can’t Spell Family Without Me, Michael Jackson | 1:05 p.m. Drown Out the Talk Downstairs, Italian Baroque Organ Recital | 2-4 p.m. Let’s Take Down Some of This Stuff and Play With It, Upper Galleries as the mood takes you. Free, bring your own crayons for coloring on the walls.

Lecture: “Mammoth Cave Echoes Lots and Lots” Infant Spelunkers’ Spring Fling, little Johnny Chilliwack, Not-Quite-Nappytime Series at Nazareth Arts Center, 1:30 p.m. — everybody-go-nappy. Free.

Theater: August & Henrik Spell Fun!, visiting artists Ünd Yør Mūūse Tūū Theatre Køllektief from Stockholm present their interpretation of the works of Ibsen and Strindberg for the entire family, with mimes. One performance only, Geva Nextstage, 2:00 p.m. $39.50.

Benefit: Rochester Area Taxidermy Society Father/Daughter Banquet and Pet Exchange, Riverside Convention Center, 5-8 p.m. $35 and 2 air fresheners.

Film: The March of the Curious Lion and the Shaggy Witches by the Dozen (G): Jim Brown leads an all-star, merry band through a treacherous landscape populated by Vanilla Ice, Reese Witherspoon (with a hand puppet shaped like last year’s Best Actress winner), 9 penguins, and a soy latte. Director Wes Craven captures the whimsy of the acclaimed novel and manages to get an amazing performance out of a herd of gerbils. Movies 10, $2.00 (free chew toy to first 100 children).