Category Archives: Humor

Bad Comic Strip Titles

Considering the good comic strip titles that are out there, it’s not so easy to come up with definite failures right out of the gate.

  • Donkeys in Disgrace
  • Ramses the Great, Private Detective
  • Love Finds Marcel Proust
  • The Padded Cell that Is My Mind and the Papoose that Is My Pancreas

Declassified A-files

1947 Declassified A-files

According to recently declassified A-files, one summer afternoon in 1947, itinerant preacher and civilian pilot, Kenneth Arbogast, was using his plane to search a remote area of the Cascade Mountains for proof of a foreign invasion.  Scanning the ground, he banked his aircraft in a sweeping turn over the town of Mineral.  Arnold saw a brilliant blue-white flash across his plane’s wings.  Desperately looking around, Arbogast saw a tight formation of nine “peculiar-looking babies with wings.”  They were far to the north of him, but they were heading in his direction—very fast.  He later reported: “They didn’t fly like any aircraft I’d seen before.  Maybe it would be best to describe their flight characteristics as being similar to a flock of geese.”  He was certain the United States didn’t have such advanced aircraft, but what about the Soviet Union?

Kenneth Arbogast was, to all outward appearances, a pillar of society. He was a successful minister at a young age and an acting deputy auxiliary police officer for Wichitaw County, Kansas.  In later years, Arbogast reported several more sightings.  Whatever the truth about Arbogast’s story, public reaction was amazing.  Over the coming years, thousands of people have reported encounters with holy beings.

On June 28, 1948, the Air Force gave unexpected support to Arbogast by reporting that a pilot in a P-51 Mustang fighter over Lake Mead in Nevada saw five or six glowing objects hovering in the sky.  According to official military memos, the glow was from “tail-lights or halos.”

The Fifties and Sixties saw Americans moving beyond mere sightings into direct contact with angels.  In the ensuing decades, reports have taken a more sinister turn.

The adumbration phenomenon

The adumbration phenomenon is an umbrella term used to describe a number of assertions stating that angelic creatures kidnap individuals.  Many such encounters are described as transformative or pleasant, but others describe them as terrifying or even humiliating. Reports of angelic contact have been made from around the world and throughout history.

Alleged abductions are usually closely connected to apparition reports, and are supposedly conducted by so-called cherubim: short, pale-skinned humanoids with large heads and enormous, dark eyes. It is possible that some “abductees” may be unstable types or under the influence of illegal substances. Religious beliefs are also cited as the source of angelic abduction delusions, though some commentators argue that it might be more accurate to characterize the phenomenon as a type of modern-day folk myth (like the historic belief in martians).

While some experts contend the field is rife with kooks and pseudoscience, there is little doubt that many apparently sincere persons report angelic abductions they believe are utterly genuine. Stigma and self-doubt may be obstacles to more widespread study and/or reporting.

Some abduction reports are quite detailed. The “terror abduction” experience is reported mainly in the USA, while in the rest of the world, particularly France, the encounters are said to be largely benevolent.  An entire subculture has developed around the subject, with prayer groups and a detailed mythos explaining the reasons for abductions.  Various angels (cherubim, seraphim, “Archangels” and so on) are said to have specific roles, origins, and motivations. Abduction claimants do not always attempt to explain the phenomenon, but some take independent research interest in it themselves, and explain the lack of greater awareness of Angelic Abduction as the result of either governmental or humanistic interest in cover-up.

Possibilities provoke serious thought

Some non-contactees are intrigued by the entire phenomenon, but hesitate in making any definitive conclusions. Former Vice President Dick Cheney asked “How can a person have any firmly held belief about this when it’s so mysterious? The opinions of the true believers are hard to swallow; and the opinions of the die-hard skeptics are not based on reality either. There is some middle ground … It’s clear that this is some sort of powerful subjective experience. But I do not know what the objective reality is. It’s as if the evidence leads us in both directions.”  Similarly, a former Harvard president concluded, “The furthest you can go at this point is to say there’s an authentic mystery here. And that is, I think, as far as anyone ought to go.”

Declassified

Recently declassified image of misbehaving angels

Putting aside the question of whether abduction reports are literally and objectively “real”, literature professor Terry Matheson argues that their popularity and their intriguing appeal is easily understood. Tales of abduction “are intrinsically absorbing; it is hard to imagine a more vivid description of human powerlessness.” After experiencing the frisson of delightful terror one may feel from reading the Holy Bible or watching The Passion of the Christ, Matheson notes that people “can return to the safe world of their homes, secure in the knowledge that the phenomenon in question cannot follow. But as the contact myth has stated from the outset, there is no avoiding a guardian angel.”

Matheson writes that when compared to the ancient reports, modern accounts are distinguished by their “relative sophistication and subtlety, which enabled them to enjoy an immediately more favorable reception from the public.”

Different cases vary in detail (sometimes significantly). Some argue that there is a broad, fairly consistent sequence and description of events which make up the typical “close encounter of the angelic kind”.

***

The rest of the world is different

There are however cultural differences in perception of these reported incidents. Although in North America, guardian angels are the most commonly blamed in these incidents, in Europe and other parts of the world, they are as often perceived to be demonic in origin.

The individual(s) concerned are often traveling by automobile at the time of the incident, usually at night or in the early morning hours, and usually in a rural or sparsely populated area. An angel will be seen ahead, (sometimes on the road) and the driver will either deliberately stop to investigate, or the car will stop due to apparent mechanical failure. Other forms of mechanical failure and interference are also common, such as a car radio producing static or behaving abnormally. In the occasions when they have been present, animals such as dogs usually also display a heightened fear response.

Upon getting out of the vehicle, the driver and passenger(s) typically will experience a blank period and amnesia, after which they will find themselves again standing in front of their car. They very often will not consciously remember the experience. In some older cases, there were also occasional reports of abductees exhibiting symptoms consistent with nuclear radiation sickness.

As noted above, the so-called cherubim, are most popularly associated with abduction reports. Again, however, this seems to be a North American paradigm best-known since the 1980s and the appearance of smoking cherubim on the cover of a Van Halen album.

Actual proof?

Dr Dan D. Derriere writes, “In many of these accounts, there is independent confirmation of missing time–emotionally stable people arriving hours late after long or short automobile journeys. For example, my research assistant and I regularly encounter angels near the Motel 6 close by campus.  As my colleagues and family members can attest, we are consistently unable to account for approximately two hours of time most Tuesday afternoons.”

Most intriguing are recently declassified documents demonstrating decades of government investigation into angelic phenomenon. Moreover, government complicity in suppressing legitimate angelic research is indisputable.  For unknown reasons, the Air Force focused a great deal of attention in the Los Angeles area in 1952.  Could this be the rumored Great Angel Manifestation?   Is it possible that the government recovered a live angel?

More recently, some in the angelogical community have suggested that the government has used holy technology to advance U.S. goals.  How else to explain Stealth aircraft, Ipods, or those cool new computerized voting booths?  Some have even suggested that it is not too far a leap to believe that angels sit in on meetings at the highest levels of American government and business.  Members of the White House and Capitol may even have been abducted by angels and subjected to revelations.

Lost My Keys

Apologies to Ed Sheeran, who hopefully has never lost his keys

Morning isn’t the best time to find my house keys
So the hook is where they go (mmmm)
Everyone here hangs their keys by the door
Forget just once and you have to know (mmmm)
That you won’t sleep in, but have to get up and move your goddamned car
And I won’t give a second chance now (mmmm)
Take your keys- stop! Put your old van on the sidewalk
And then I get to leave only a little late

Girl, you know I need your help
Your eyes are better and I can’t really see
Come on now, please just help me
I may be crazy, don’t mind me
Say, boy, look under that chair
Check the cushion and push that table away
Come on now, please just help me
Look, damn it look, or I’ll be late (mmmm)

I’m in love with the shape of you
You fit that lock like a real key do
You’re just a hairpin bent in two
I just know you’re gonna fit
Last night I slept in the street
And now my clothes all smell like shit
Every bone inside me aches from the concrete
You have got to unlock it

Oh Where oh Where oh Where oh Where
Where did I leave my house keys
Oh Where oh Where oh Where oh Where
They must be around somewhere
Oh Where oh Where oh Where oh Where
Where did I leave my keys
Yesterday I know I left them on the hook
I’m afraid I’ve lost my mind

One week someone still needs to let me in
I’m going to be very late (mmmm)
You and me are cheap, so we rent hood adjacent
Add a deadbolt and another lock plate (mmmm)
We talk for hours and hours about where to go to eat
And how we’re not causing the rents to go up (mmmm)
We leave and get in a taxi, staring from the backseat
There’s that guy with the pit bull pup
And I’m cringing like

Girl, you know I want your help
You look under the mahogany bureau
Come on now, get on your knees
I may be crazy, I don’t know
But, girl, if you were my keys
Answer me quick, tell me where would you go

Come on now, just answer me
Come, come on now, just answer me (mmmm)

I’m so lost without my keys
The landlord charges outrageous fees
When I need to replace all these
I’m moving the furniture
Checking the same places twice
Because I’m just not all that sure
Where I’ve looked and where my keys still might be
I really need to dust down here

Oh Where oh Where oh Where oh Where
Where did I leave my house keys
Oh Where oh Where oh Where oh Where
They must be around somewhere
Oh Where oh Where oh Where oh Where
Where did I leave my house keys
Yesterday I know I left them on the hook
I’m afraid I’m losing my mind

Come on, they must be here, come on
Come on, or under there, come on
Come on, crying out loud, come on
Come on, losing my hair, come on
Come on, where did they go, come on
Did they just sprout some legs, come on
Come on, Lord, give me strength, come on
Come on, give me a break, come on

I’m looking for the car keys now
Stuck on the house keys with a magnet new
I swear my heart is failing too
I’m in love with my locksmith
Last night they were in my room
And now my car keys are gone too
Every day I’m looking for another clue
I’m in love with my locksmith

Come on, they must be here, come on
Come on, or under there, come on
Where did I leave my house keys
Come on, they must be here, come on
Come on, or under there, come on
Where did I leave my house keys
Come on, they must be here, come on
Come on, or under there, come on
Where did I leave my house keys
Yesterday I know I left them on the hook
I’m afraid I’m losing my mind