Best Winter Workout: Rock Ventures

Over the years, I’ve played most sports, from lacrosse to golf, baseball to cross-country. I’ve played the ones that make no sense for a short, spindly guy, like volleyball and football. And now, as I approach my athletic dotage and all my peers turn toward golf or tai chi, I have returned to an adolescent love. Yep, that’s right, I find stuff to climb and, well, I climb it. The reaction of pretty much everyone that doesn’t climb is: “You’re going to kill yourself.” Truth be told, that’s part of the fun, but I’m not off my gourd. You see, Rochester offers one of the best environments for learning to climb and learning to climb safely: Rock Ventures. I had scoped out the place a few times, but was always hesitant because it sounded like the training process would take forever. I showed up with a companion and we were climbing a half hour later. Even without the crest of a mountain from which to yell, the rush of hitting the top on their wall routes is heady indeed. Rock Ventures is the place to discover your inner gym rat.

Best Store Mascots: the cockatiels at Mercury Posters

How do I define impersonal? Let me see- the help line for my DSL service; most high-rise architecture; and chain stores. How would I add some personality? I know – vocal inflection; granite gargoyles on the second floor; and in-store pets. Just a few suggestions: black cats in Barnes & Noble; Black Angus cows in McDonalds; peacocks in Abercrombie & Fitch; etc.- I could go on, but we are here today to honor those establishments that already have a mascot. With nods to golden retriever Kobe at Rock Ventures and the Cinema cat, we select Gordon (r.i.p.), Lucy, and Rocky as our 2006 Best Store Mascots. Gordon moved on to that great birdcage in the sky last December, but Lucy and Rocky continue to greet customers in a way that inspires return visits. Truly, you have never perused posters until you’ve done so with a cockatiel perched upon your shoulder, shaking its head in disapproval over that cheesecake poster you’re selecting instead of the Vermeer reproduction. Well, let me tell Lucy just one thing- that girl with the pearl earring was the Pamela Sue Anderson of her day. On the other hand, Lucy did save me from papering our house with wall-to-wall Thomas Kinkade.

Best Excursion With Child (in the Animated Short Category)
Take one adult. Add children and mode of transportation. Arrive in Fairport. Park behind the library in the spacious, free parking lot. Hike up Main Street over the canal, looking down through the bridge grating periodically, just for that weird psychic thrum of sensing nothing beneath your feet. Hang a left at the first break in storefronts and rent as many canoes as necessary for an hour. Make sure everyone rows so they’re all tired. Walk along the canal back under Main Street. Look to your left and see the ice cream parlor. Eat the ice cream. Cross back under the canal; head back toward the library. Stop in at Candy Nation for future supplies. Borrow books, computer games, movies, and music at the library. Struggle back to car, exhausted. In inclement weather, substitute bike rental at RV&E Bike & Skate.

Best Animated Excursion With Shorts (in the Child Category)
Corbett’s Glen is the sort of place beloved by the sort of people who love Corbett’s Glen. If you like flowers, waterfalls, or crayfish, then the Glen is for you.
In our visits, the nestled park has been deserted, allowing the revelation of the oasis as a verdant pleasure of meadow and tumbling waters with plenty of space for exploration and glee. After Rochester’s epic winters, no signs are more appreciated than the prospect of flowers emerging from the saturated earth and the echo of water once more gurgling freely over rock and stone.
Recently, some striking transformations have materialized at Corbett’s Glen. A new parking lot and entrance have appeared on Penfield Road. Hopefully, this does not foreshadow a Samsa-like metamorphosis into something far less pleasant.

Best Performance as a Major League Team in the Absence of a Senior Circuit
It had to happen eventually. One of the major league sports was going to lose an entire season to a labor dispute. When millionaires fight, it remains remarkably difficult to sympathize with either side. Sometimes these disputes devolve into circus sideshows with amateurs performing a disservice to themselves and to management/labor relations. Hopefully, these caesuras from adulation of athletes allow the average fan the opportunity to actually participate in some sports activities, maybe get a little exercise, and attend a few in-season AAA meetings. Rochester has been a minor league town for so long that we feel these absences less keenly. NHL games might not have been on television, but that mattered less than what was going on over at the Americans’ igloo. The Rochester Americans, for one season, were in the major league.

Best Cow in a Suburban Pasture
Gather round me; a story I will tell
Of a beautiful maiden in her dell.
Amongst her cattle kin, she looks the best.
You can see her along 490 West.
Speeding by her herd, don’t disturb her peace,
The splendor of this enigmatic beast.
It’s hard to tell whether that bovine miss
Is Guernsey, Jersey, Ayrshire, or Brown Swiss,
But rest assured past Tinseltown somewhere
She stands with eyes so fair; her udders down to there.
Look for the one who interrupts her meal-
She stares at you with that vacant appeal.
Her milk and meat do mean a lot to her.
Possibly we should even consider
A better memorial than neon arches
And grilled flesh surrounded by salted starches.

I am having one of those murky days when the heart turns cold and the mind is bathed in darkness. Days when Schadenfreude is the only pleasure and the soul seeks to be… evil! (Supply your own maniacal cackle here.)

So You’ve Decided to be Evil offers tips on choosing a lair and hiring henchmen. I go with the Amusement Park and the Undead, respectively, because I’ve always wanted to take zombies on a roller coaster. Call me wacky! These helpful fashion-istas also describe the various clothing options available from classic black through brain in a jar to wearing the skin of another human. All right, now we’ve crossed whatever fine line separates evil from faux pas.

Perhaps I’m more the bumper sticker type, so I cruise over to the Homepage for Evil where the “Campus Crusade for Cthulu” just cries out abomination to me. That’ll look so groovy on the Crypt-mobile. Hmmm, I didn’t realize that the Elder Gods had sued Microsoft for “look-and-feel” infringement.

But I’m losing focus here. To get back on track, I swing past EvilOverlord.com [now defunct, but search on Evil Overlord List] for some important advice: “I will never utter the sentence ‘Before I kill you, you should know…’” and “My stronghold will have ventilation ducts that are too small to crawl through.” Just because my goal is world domination does not mean that I can’t take a smidge of advice.

Lastly, I require a role model and I know of the perfect one: Doctor Steel [now defunct, but you can find images and videos]. For me, just because you want to build a giant laser to etch your name on the moon doesn’t mean you can’t have a certain panache. And Doctor Steel has style to spare. He even brings out Big Bird’s inner henchmen. (Ohh, you’ll have to dig hard for that picture, my little ninnies!) HA, Ha, Ha, ha, ha… Oooo-weee, that felt good. I’m better now.

April, 2006