I am having one of those murky days when the heart turns cold and the mind is bathed in darkness. Days when Schadenfreude is the only pleasure and the soul seeks to be… evil! (Supply your own maniacal cackle here.)

So You’ve Decided to be Evil offers tips on choosing a lair and hiring henchmen. I go with the Amusement Park and the Undead, respectively, because I’ve always wanted to take zombies on a roller coaster. Call me wacky! These helpful fashion-istas also describe the various clothing options available from classic black through brain in a jar to wearing the skin of another human. All right, now we’ve crossed whatever fine line separates evil from faux pas.

Perhaps I’m more the bumper sticker type, so I cruise over to the Homepage for Evil where the “Campus Crusade for Cthulu” just cries out abomination to me. That’ll look so groovy on the Crypt-mobile. Hmmm, I didn’t realize that the Elder Gods had sued Microsoft for “look-and-feel” infringement.

But I’m losing focus here. To get back on track, I swing past EvilOverlord.com [now defunct, but search on Evil Overlord List] for some important advice: “I will never utter the sentence ‘Before I kill you, you should know…’” and “My stronghold will have ventilation ducts that are too small to crawl through.” Just because my goal is world domination does not mean that I can’t take a smidge of advice.

Lastly, I require a role model and I know of the perfect one: Doctor Steel [now defunct, but you can find images and videos]. For me, just because you want to build a giant laser to etch your name on the moon doesn’t mean you can’t have a certain panache. And Doctor Steel has style to spare. He even brings out Big Bird’s inner henchmen. (Ohh, you’ll have to dig hard for that picture, my little ninnies!) HA, Ha, Ha, ha, ha… Oooo-weee, that felt good. I’m better now.

April, 2006

Anyone who complains about the traffic in Rochester has never driven in Boston or New York or Cleveland or Pittsburgh… Granted, more traffic means more population and more opportunities for diversion within those metropolises. The positive corollary is that leaving Rochester is a relatively painless experience. I know, I know, you just got here, but I’m talking about a daytrip, not migrating to a warmer climate. Let’s face it- the Bronx is a daytrip in New York City, so we are truly blessed. The compass rose presents four big choices four day-trips out of Rochester, but only three will work terribly well.

South – Griffis Sculpture Park is the primary destination. Take the Thruway to Exit 55 (Route 219 South) and then follow the directions that you found at www.griffispark.org before you left. Plan on being in the car for longer than an hour and a half. Griffis is a 425 acres of outdoor art- 250 sculptures surrounded by beautiful gardens. In 1966, Larry Griffis purchased 100 acres of Ashford Hollow in the Southern Tier of Western New York and placed some of his own gigantic steel pieces on a hillside. Since then, more and more pieces have appeared. A fee box requests admission from visitors $5 for adults and $3 for seniors and students. Children under 12 get in free. After exhausting yourself at the park, continue south on 219 to Ellicottville and turn left on Monroe Street which should put you in the perfect place for a great meal at Ellicottville Brewing Company.

West – “Did you know they have a butterfly place over there?” Our mailman said, referring to the Niagara Falls Butterfly Conservatory. Head for the Lewiston-Queenston Bridge and follow the directions at www.niagaraparks.com/nature/butterfly.php. Plan to be in the car about an hour and a half. Admission is Adult $11.00, Child 6 to 12 $6.50, 5 and under Free. That’s all in Canadian dollars. While you’re there, plan to visit a variety of attractions lined up like dominoes along the falls, which is worth a look-see also. You could try the Aero-Car, the Maid of the Mists, or the walk behind the falls. Public transportation has been set up all along the route and can save the agony of parking on warm summer days. After you’ve been overwhelmed by nature’s beauty, head down to Clifton Hill near the Rainbow Bridge and overload on pop culture with more wax museums and name-brand restaurants than could possibly be healthy.

East – Get on the thruway and head for the city of your choosing. Canandaigua offers lake swimming and a goofy boardwalk ambiance. Junk food is easily available and the beach is delightful. Geneva offers the Seneca Lake Whale Watch in August which is worth attending if only so you can tell distant relatives where you’re going. Syracuse is home to the original Dinosaur Bar-B-Que. Not too far away on James Street, the Palace Theatre is a grand repertory cinema, which is being manhandled into the modern era. Across the street is the Books End, which is always worth a peak. If you’re an early riser, you could make Cooperstown in a day trip, but I don’t envy you. In addition to the Baseball Hall of Fame (along with a baseball heavy downtown), the Farmers’ Museum is pretty cool. At least once in every life, the Cardiff Giant should lie at your feet.

North – Face the facts. A lake is due north. It’s really big. Don’t drive into it. And if you have a boat, then just go out on the water. That should be enough of a daytrip.

The International Maritime Organization publishes a monthly list of current piracy events around the globe. Within its few pages of small print, descriptions float to the surface: “Robbers armed with long knives in two boats came alongside the ship, while at anchor. Crew raised alarm and mustered. After two hours of aborted attempts to climb by hook, wire and ropes, the robbers abandoned attempt.”

And yet, we love pirates- not so much the ones who interrupt the five-course dinner on our Caribbean cruise, but rather the long, dead ones of days past when buccaneers had a gleam in their eye and a cutlass in their belts. In fond homage to our eternal bad taste in folk heroes, here are sixteen of the most notorious pirates of history and imagination:

The Black Pirate: Douglas Fairbanks made pirates a bankable commodity for Hollywood.
Monkey D. Luffy: and a big shout out to all you One Piece fans out there!
Captain William Kidd: privateer, pirate, scapegoat, and yet, do we really know William Kidd?
Captain Hook: Peter Pan’s nemesis has become a cottage industry unto himself.
Morgan Adams: the heroine of Cutthroat Island (Geena Davis), the best attempt at a Peter Pan-less pirate film in the past forty years.
Captain Vallo: Burt Lancaster was the Crimson Pirate, showing what a circus acrobat could do with a few sails and ropes.
Captain Blood: giving a chance to mention Errol Flynn, the ever-lasting image of the pirate, and Rafael Sabatini, who did as much as any author to give pirates a good name. On the high seas, the crews all play Six Degrees of Flynn or Sabatini.
The Pirate King: “It is, it is a glorious thing to be a pirate king!” (The Pirates of Penzance)
Ching Shih: the real-life basis for Jorge Luis Borges infamous Widow Ching. She led a fleet of ships. Ching managed to obtain a government pardon and lived out her years in relative ease and disrepute.
Captain Horatio McCallister: arr, it be the Sea Captain on The Simpsons.
Jack Sparrow: has to make the list. He’s the only one with a new movie coming out.
Edward Teach: the dark side of pirate history, Blackbeard was closer to the cruel reality than the romantic vision.
Anne Bonny/Mary Read: the two most famous male impersonators always get shoved into the same chapter in pirate books.
Dread Pirate Roberts: the character that revealed that pirate captain was just a job with excellent retirement benefits (The Princess Bride).
Long John Silver: the quintessence of fictional pirate; Robert Louis Stevenson made the mold and it just won’t be broken.

June, 2006