Once upon a time, when a child wanted a doll, someone made a doll (or they didn’t and the child did without). In those days, such a doll would be called a “doll” and would be well-used. Maybe, just maybe, some adult would make a particularly beautiful doll and then they’d get a reputation as a “dollmaker.” Today, we manufacture mass quantities of these dolls in plastic and call them “action figures,” since everyone was afraid that the parents of boys would not buy their male offspring a “doll.”

And your local “dollmaker” has transmogrified into a “customizer.” Indeedy do! A customizer is a creative person who makes action figures in the privacy of their own secret laboratory. And then they display their creations on the internet often accompanied by the “recipe” used to cook up their monstrous creations. “Classic Catwoman: This version of Selina is made from a Tekken figure. Her head was quite tricky, using a very sharp x-acto I sliced the original figures head in the center of her forehead. I then took a[n] abandoned Catwoman head and did the same. It was then a simple task of lining the two pieces up. The hair came from the same head and putty was used to fill in gaps to make it appear as one piece.” (Brad McCurry) [defunct link led to the quote at the CustomCon website]

Visions of unclean plastic surgery by mad scientists working in Sculpey dancing in my head, I visited the official site of CustomCon 13. People have done some horrible things to G.I. Joe is all I can say. Matt Caulay, who apparently uses the nom de plastique of Iron Cow, has made numerous unique figures covering James Bond to Caddyshack. He seems to be living the dream as he has worked professionally with Art Asylum on their mass-produced Battlestar Galactica figures. The entire subculture receives its monthly due in Toyfare magazine, a far more entertaining publication than the topic merits.

February, 2006

Are you sick and tired of pounding neck cramps from decoding the overhead menu at your favorite junk food franchise? Do you gag when asked “Would you like fries with that?” Have you resigned your membership in the human race after reading Fast Food Nation? Did you just finish cleaning your porcelain friend after watching Supersize Me? It used to be that the last barely acceptable hamburger chain was In-N-Out Burger. Naturally, they are limited to the West Coast. But, ho! Cyberspace offers an alternative- Ninja Burger! Not only cyberspace, apparently two franchises exist in Rochester! Our local franchise is Ninja Burger Seventh Boulevard, but orders are only accepted on-line at www.ninjaburger.com. Ninjas prefer to keep exact locations to themselves, so be wary when traversing city streets. No one wants to run afoul of ninjas in a hurry. The super secret Ninja Burger team is augmented by aethereal FORGE, an artists’ collective, notorious for their sense of humor and Tiger Paw Death Clutch.

On the positive side, these covert assassins understand the importance of a hot meal: no more sitting on the front porch and howling at every passing vehicle; no more calling the restaurant every five minutes and asking, “Has the driver left yet?” The fact is, despite those pizza chain promises, little recourse exists beyond an inedible pizza at no cost. Now though, we have a new standard for comparison: “Guaranteed delivery in 30 minutes or less, or we commit Seppuku!” And the burgers are hand-broiled so you know they’re fresh and tasty. As the immortal Nanookanano has written, “A whisper of leaves/Ninja Burger delivers/I will eat tonight.” Next time you face the mesmerizing menus of obesity, think back on your last Samurai Chicken Sandwich. With a little effort, you can probably still taste the little bits of samurai.

August, 2005

Forty years from now, no one will understand the popularity of Adam Sandler. That’s not to say that people won’t enjoy his work, but they will not comprehend how so many people spent so much time enjoying his films, his music, and whatever else it is that he does. Consider that Bing Crosby is now part of the silver screen pantheon, but, in his day, he was a sex symbol- maybe not in a beefcake way… maybe so…

Moving right along, the biggest stars in the world a half century ago suddenly severed their partnership in July, 1956. Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis very publicly broke up their decade long partnership. They had made sixteen films together, becoming top grossing stars. More than most other great comedy teams, the pair relied on their incredible chemistry to charm the audience, especially since their partnership flourished on the nightclub circuit.

Most of their frequent appearances on early television have been lost, but tapes of the duo on the Colgate Comedy Hour do exist. Ken Burke describes one such appearance in Roctober Magazine #29: “There is an indescribable hum that occurs when Martin & Lewis are in front of the bandstand together. … Lewis hits the stage talking like a hipster; Martin’s droll Crosbyish reactions are very funny, which provokes his partner to take it up a notch. Finally, M&L pick up instruments and play horribly with Dick Stabile’s Orchestra ­ proving their inverse hipitude.”

Martin and Lewis had begun feuding before their partnership officially died. Their feud became as newsworthy as anything in this week’s People. They laid down their tongues after thirty years, to the point that Lewis published Dean & Me (A Love Story) last year. On the fiftieth anniversary of their collapse, their eventual peace should be a cause célèbre (as opposed to all the other media bluster) that reminds us to laugh along with Dean & Jerry in Sailor Beware and Hollywood or Bust.

July, 2006