I started working for an IT company during the Y2K fears. We fixed a number of issues for some large corporate entities, leading to a few lucrative contracts that lasted for a year or two. Then the ownership got caught up with internet start-ups and other tech ventures. We were done within a couple years. Just before leaving, I created a mini-Broadway musical to memorialize the experience.

I have edited the original to protect the foolish.

Copyrights for the original songs that are parodied remain with the current owners, obviously.

[Three developers enter, Juan, Dawn and Leon. Dawn begins meditatively]

I Don’t Know Internet Start-up
(I Don’t Know How to Love Him
Original by Andrew Lloyd Webber and Tim Rice)

I don’t know Internet Start-up
Where they are, they keep moving.
We’ve been ripped, yes really ripped.
In these past few days, when I’ve met with them,
They seem like something less.
I don’t know how to bill them.
I don’t know why they’ve moved again.
They’re a scam. They’re just a scam.
And I’ve seen so many scams before,
Like an a$$h*le,
They’re just one more.
Should we bring them down?
Should we scream and shout?
Should we speak of court,
Let our lawyers out?
We never thought it’d come to this.
Where is their Sales Lead?
She was just a little funny
It was good to hear her words
Yet I’ve never met someone
So rude, so full of so much bull.
Asking for our dough-
It’s always no.
We never thought it’d come to this.
Where’s their sales force?
Yet, if they hired anyone,
They wouldn’t sell. They could not sell
In person or on the phone.
Are they defunct? Or just bankrupt?
We really do care.
Since they still owe.
Oh, how they owe.
They really owe.

[Juan and Leon immediately launch into a new song]

Jellicle Sites
(Jellicle Songs for Jellicle Cats
Original by Andrew Lloyd Webber and T.S. Eliot)

How much food can you eat? How about a whale shark?
Which is the biggest part? Your ankle or wrist bone?
How old is Dick Clark? Who starred in Wait Until Dark?
How many people have married Sharon Stone?

Because trivia is and trivia does
Trivia does and trivia would
Trvia would and trivia can
Trivia can and trivia does

How much saliva does Steve Ballmer secrete?
How many times does he wipe his face on his sleeves?
Is your trivia knowledge always incomplete?
Then you should learn to Google or Yahoo or Ask Jeeves.

Because trivia can and trivia does
Trivia does and trivia can
Trivia can and trivia does
Trivia does and trivia can
Trivia can and trivia does

[Enter Dawn, who changes the song mid-stream]

Can you take your new browser to places far distant?
Familiar with keyboard, with mouse, and with screen?
You can cut back on your staff- fire your assistant.
Think of all of the profits that this could mean.

Does your office have kinks? Do you want to store links?
Are you keen to be heard via Internet chat?
For a low, low price and a round of drinks
We can make you into the ultimate Internet cat.

Intranet sites for Internet cats
Intranet sites for Internet cats
Intranet sites for Internet cats
Intranet sites for Internet cats
Intranet sites for Internet cats

We can do javascript, we can do ASP
And just like that your application will be done
We’ve got two UPS and one Pentium III
We have got our own NOC, we’ve got a T1

Intranets can and Intranets do
Intranets can and Intranets do
Intranets can and Intranets do
Intranets can and Intranets do
Intranet sites for Intranet cats
Intranet sites for Internet cats
Intranet sites for Internet cats
Intranet sites for Internet cats

Can you have a website and an intranet too?
Can you schedule office appointments online?
Can we save you from what worms do to you?
Hold your hand and say that all will be just fine?

Intranet sites are king of the nights
Loading files and securing the rights
Handling files from everywhere
Hallelujah, jellical choir

We’ve an infinity of programmatical affinity
We can do Visual Basic
And then it will be way so quick!
Hasty, happy, happ’ning and true
To others who do – sick

Intranets do and Intranets can
Intranets can and Intranets do
Intranet cats sing Intranets chants
Internets old and Intranets new
Intranet shirts and Intranet pants
Intranet sites for Internet cats
Intranet sites for Internet cats
Intranet sites for Internet cats
Intranet sites for Internet cats

Practical sites, Trivial sites
Mercury Print-ical sites, Fanatical sites
Oracle sites, Educational sites
Skeptical sites, Dispeptical sites
Romantical sites, Penantical sites
Critical sites, Parasitical sites
IBC-ical sites, Metaphorical sites
Statistical sites and Mystical sites
Political sites, Hypocritical sites
Clerical sites, Hysterical sites
Cynical sites, Rabbinical sites

Intranet sites for Internet cats
Intranet sites for Internet cats
Intranet sites for Internet cats
Intranet sites for Internet cats
Intranet sites for Internet cats

There’s a man over there with a look of surprise
As much as to say Well now, how about that?
Do I actually see with my own very eyes
A man who’s not much of an Internet cat?
What’s an Intranet site? What’s an Intranet site?

[Juan struggles to the front of the stage and sings plaintively]

Don’t Cry for Us Temp Agency
(Don’t Cry for Me Argentina
Original by Tim Rice and Andrew Lloyd Webber)

It won’t be easy
You’ll think it strange
When we try to explain how they work
Their owner needs our love
After all that we’ve done
We could not believe
All we would see
Is a man who couldn’t do
The simplest things for you or me
There was nothing that he knew

We had to let it happen
We had to leave
Couldn’t talk about his youth again
Staring out of the window
Running out of the door
But we worked some more
Running around finding something to do
But none there impressed us at all
We never expected them to

Don’t cry for us temp agency
The truth is we never left you
You grew and grew
Ignored signs of trouble
Fueled by the nineties
Internet bubble

And as for custom developers
You never should have brought them in
It’s us you should’ve hired
We were all you desired
They were illusions
They’re not the solutions
They promised to be
The answer was here all the time
You were blind and would never see

Don’t cry for us temp agency
Don’t cry for us temp agency
The truth is we never left you
You grew and grew
Ignored signs of trouble
Fueled by the nineties
Internet bubble

Have we said too much?
There’s nothing more we can think of to say to you
But all you have to do
Is look at us to know
That every word is true

[A stranger, possibly, bounds onto the stage; he kicks things into high gear for the finale]

Jesus Christ Microsoft
(Superstar
Original by Tim Rice and Andrew Lloyd Webber)

Ev’ry time I click on Start
I don’t understand
Why I have to buy your stuff
Again and again
You’d be better loved
If you had a plan
Now we’re stuck in a backward time
in any-key land
But your products
Should be cheap and easy to get
The nineteen-seventies
Didn’t have the internet

(Don’t you buy Red Hat) Don’t you buy Apple
(Don’t you get Red Hat, now) Don’t you get Apple
(Don’t you buy Red Hat) Don’t you buy Apple
(Don’t you get Red Hat, now) Don’t you get Apple
(Only use Windows) Only use Windows
(Only use Windows, now) Only use Windows
(Only want Windows) Only want Windows
(Only want Windows, now) Only want Windows

Microsoft
Microsoft
Antitrust- it let’s you overprice
Microsoft
Microsoft
Antitrust- it let’s you overprice
Jesus Christ
Microsoft
Does Steve Ballmer dream of Lara Croft?
Jesus Christ
Microsoft
Lotus never should have scoffed

Hey, Bill, what d’you think
About your friends at the top
Now who d’ya’ think besides yourself
Is the pick of the crop?
Paul Allen buys sports teams and is
A philanthropist
Apple never will go away
They’ve got too many patents
Did you mean to buy Foxpro?
Why’d’ya start MSNBC?
What about Crystal Reports?
Did you know that your IE
Would land in federal court?

(Don’t you get Netscape) Don’t you buy Mozill’
(Don’t you get Netscape, now) Don’t you buy Mozill’
(Don’t you get Netscape) Don’t you buy Mozill’
(Don’t you get Netscape, now) Don’t you buy Mozill’
(Only want IE) Only use IE
(Only want IE, now) Only use IE
(Only want IE) Only use IE
(Only want IE, now) We Only Use IE

Microsoft
Microsoft
Antitrust- it let’s you overprice
Microsoft
Microsoft
Antitrust- it let’s you overprice
Jesus Christ
Microsoft
Does Steve Ballmer dream of Lara Croft?
Jesus Christ
Microsoft
Lotus never should have scoffed
Microsoft
Microsoft
Antitrust- it let’s you overprice
Microsoft
Microsoft
Antitrust- it let’s you overprice
Jesus Christ
Microsoft
Won’t let anyone else stay aloft?
Jesus Christ
Microsoft
Gates was built by Sid and Marty Kroft

[Bows]
[Curtain Calls]

(2002)

The Job of a Lifetime

Welcome to the Supreme Court, Justice Alito, the last job that you are likely to have. After this, it’s retirement and death with the latter guaranteed and the former likely to come only with ill health. So, this is as good as it’s going to get. Sure, you could hope to become Chief Justice some day, but only four out of the mere sixteen Chief Justices have ever been elevated from within the Court.

Besides, you’ll be lucky to outlast Roberts unless you want to go all Borgia in the Court cafeteria. That’s unlikely though, since the gravitational pull of the legislature would have attracted you by now if you had any leanings toward mosh pits and switchblades. You got here because you’re a workaholic and you like making decisions for people too overheated to negotiate. Moreover, you think you know stuff and feel clever in small groups. Your horoscope predicts great things every day.

Seriously, you got this position because you managed not to piss off the President when you spent some time together. Other people had already vetted you, so what did the two of you have to discuss? If the law even came up, then I would be surprised. He suspects you won’t damage his popularity too much and might secretly push forward his agenda long after he’s climbed off his mountain bike for good.

Generally speaking, Supreme Court Justices have minds of their own and realize that once sworn in, they can do whatever they want. After all, it’s now your legacy, not some President who screamed across the horizon like a shooting star. No Justice has ever been impeached, let alone removed from office. Be careful though, you are liable to lose your “common touch,” if you ever had one or wanted one. Only eight other people in the country have a similar gig. And all of you went to law school.

Let’s face it, your new post turns out to have very little to do with agendas, at least the kind that generate a lot of press and decades of editorializing. Your daily schedule will involve sitting around chatting with your clerks and thinking deep thoughts. Even so, no one is marching around outside the court waving placards and chanting “Down With Gonzales v. Raich!” It’s still Roe v. Wade and little else. Considering that during the Court’s last session rulings came down on criminal sentencing, environmental law, capital punishment, eminent domain, and marijuana, you would think that people might have moved on. This is the judiciary, not the legislature, as you will constantly have to remind family members over hot dogs and potato salad during the summer break.

Speaking of defending your life, wasn’t that Congressional hearing fun? You probably feel some resentment. Hard to believe every nominee does not become bellicose after that ordeal? Perhaps you could work through your anger by popping wheelies in the parking garage rather than ruling against an endangered species?

Let’s remember, the Court is reactionary (though I’m sure we’ll be talking about this a lot). Someone has to bring the case before it. Justices do not ride around the countryside like medieval knights righting wrongs. The Court exists because people do not get along. The Court exists because reasonable minds disagree. It exists because elected officials can go too far. The Court is not the Supreme Court of U.S. Law Schools. The Court is not the world’s most exclusive club.

You may be there for life, but you still serve at the will of the people. And the people want wisdom, not ideology. Yes, you will be a topic of conversation during the year (Mostly “Alito gave good hearing” not “Alito writes swell opinions.”). In very general terms, ideological pedagogues on the Court often prove wiser than expected. And maybe wisdom does rise from the shadows. Hindsight may be our surest guide, which is why you need to think about the past so much.

So, you and your colleagues will walk the magical giggle path of this session together, prodding each other about the choices that you make. You’ll visit more history than any current doctoral thesis in any U.S. college (remembering that you have become history alongside your famous predecessors and their decisions). Over these months, commentators will attempt to deconstruct the legalese that is thrown around and figure out what you’re really trying to accomplish. You may even take a side trip to legal ethics in the hope of reassuring the populace along with ourselves.

By the by, no disrespect is intended by the “Newbie” nickname. A part of me wanted to conclude this missive with “sucks to be you,” so I do understand that your job is hard enough without hearing “Yo, Newbie” echoing down the halls whenever Scalia wants somebody to run to the cafeteria for a cola. On the other hand, the Supreme Court is the ultimate collection of know-it-all alphas and nobody loves a good nickname quite as much as an alpha male. Best wishes for a safe and wise term.

2006