Apologies to Ed Sheeran, who hopefully has never lost his keys

Morning isn’t the best time to find my house keys
So the hook is where they go (mmmm)
Everyone here hangs their keys by the door
Forget just once and you have to know (mmmm)
That you won’t sleep in, but have to get up and move your goddamned car
And I won’t give a second chance now (mmmm)
Take your keys- stop! Put your old van on the sidewalk
And then I get to leave only a little late

Girl, you know I need your help
Your eyes are better and I can’t really see
Come on now, please just help me
I may be crazy, don’t mind me
Say, boy, look under that chair
Check the cushion and push that table away
Come on now, please just help me
Look, damn it look, or I’ll be late (mmmm)

I’m in love with the shape of you
You fit that lock like a real key do
You’re just a hairpin bent in two
I just know you’re gonna fit
Last night I slept in the street
And now my clothes all smell like shit
Every bone inside me aches from the concrete
You have got to unlock it

Oh Where oh Where oh Where oh Where
Where did I leave my house keys
Oh Where oh Where oh Where oh Where
They must be around somewhere
Oh Where oh Where oh Where oh Where
Where did I leave my keys
Yesterday I know I left them on the hook
I’m afraid I’ve lost my mind

One week someone still needs to let me in
I’m going to be very late (mmmm)
You and me are cheap, so we rent hood adjacent
Add a deadbolt and another lock plate (mmmm)
We talk for hours and hours about where to go to eat
And how we’re not causing the rents to go up (mmmm)
We leave and get in a taxi, staring from the backseat
There’s that guy with the pit bull pup
And I’m cringing like

Girl, you know I want your help
You look under the mahogany bureau
Come on now, get on your knees
I may be crazy, I don’t know
But, girl, if you were my keys
Answer me quick, tell me where would you go

Come on now, just answer me
Come, come on now, just answer me (mmmm)

I’m so lost without my keys
The landlord charges outrageous fees
When I need to replace all these
I’m moving the furniture
Checking the same places twice
Because I’m just not all that sure
Where I’ve looked and where my keys still might be
I really need to dust down here

Oh Where oh Where oh Where oh Where
Where did I leave my house keys
Oh Where oh Where oh Where oh Where
They must be around somewhere
Oh Where oh Where oh Where oh Where
Where did I leave my house keys
Yesterday I know I left them on the hook
I’m afraid I’m losing my mind

Come on, they must be here, come on
Come on, or under there, come on
Come on, crying out loud, come on
Come on, losing my hair, come on
Come on, where did they go, come on
Did they just sprout some legs, come on
Come on, Lord, give me strength, come on
Come on, give me a break, come on

I’m looking for the car keys now
Stuck on the house keys with a magnet new
I swear my heart is failing too
I’m in love with my locksmith
Last night they were in my room
And now my car keys are gone too
Every day I’m looking for another clue
I’m in love with my locksmith

Come on, they must be here, come on
Come on, or under there, come on
Where did I leave my house keys
Come on, they must be here, come on
Come on, or under there, come on
Where did I leave my house keys
Come on, they must be here, come on
Come on, or under there, come on
Where did I leave my house keys
Yesterday I know I left them on the hook
I’m afraid I’m losing my mind