Are you sick and tired of pounding neck cramps from decoding the overhead menu at your favorite junk food franchise? Do you gag when asked “Would you like fries with that?” Have you resigned your membership in the human race after reading Fast Food Nation? Did you just finish cleaning your porcelain friend after watching Supersize Me? It used to be that the last barely acceptable hamburger chain was In-N-Out Burger. Naturally, they are limited to the West Coast. But, ho! Cyberspace offers an alternative- Ninja Burger! Not only cyberspace, apparently two franchises exist in Rochester! Our local franchise is Ninja Burger Seventh Boulevard, but orders are only accepted on-line at www.ninjaburger.com. Ninjas prefer to keep exact locations to themselves, so be wary when traversing city streets. No one wants to run afoul of ninjas in a hurry. The super secret Ninja Burger team is augmented by aethereal FORGE, an artists’ collective, notorious for their sense of humor and Tiger Paw Death Clutch.

On the positive side, these covert assassins understand the importance of a hot meal: no more sitting on the front porch and howling at every passing vehicle; no more calling the restaurant every five minutes and asking, “Has the driver left yet?” The fact is, despite those pizza chain promises, little recourse exists beyond an inedible pizza at no cost. Now though, we have a new standard for comparison: “Guaranteed delivery in 30 minutes or less, or we commit Seppuku!” And the burgers are hand-broiled so you know they’re fresh and tasty. As the immortal Nanookanano has written, “A whisper of leaves/Ninja Burger delivers/I will eat tonight.” Next time you face the mesmerizing menus of obesity, think back on your last Samurai Chicken Sandwich. With a little effort, you can probably still taste the little bits of samurai.

August, 2005