I am having one of those murky days when the heart turns cold and the mind is bathed in darkness. Days when Schadenfreude is the only pleasure and the soul seeks to be… evil! (Supply your own maniacal cackle here.)

So You’ve Decided to be Evil offers tips on choosing a lair and hiring henchmen. I go with the Amusement Park and the Undead, respectively, because I’ve always wanted to take zombies on a roller coaster. Call me wacky! These helpful fashion-istas also describe the various clothing options available from classic black through brain in a jar to wearing the skin of another human. All right, now we’ve crossed whatever fine line separates evil from faux pas.

Perhaps I’m more the bumper sticker type, so I cruise over to the Homepage for Evil where the “Campus Crusade for Cthulu” just cries out abomination to me. That’ll look so groovy on the Crypt-mobile. Hmmm, I didn’t realize that the Elder Gods had sued Microsoft for “look-and-feel” infringement.

But I’m losing focus here. To get back on track, I swing past EvilOverlord.com [now defunct, but search on Evil Overlord List] for some important advice: “I will never utter the sentence ‘Before I kill you, you should know…’” and “My stronghold will have ventilation ducts that are too small to crawl through.” Just because my goal is world domination does not mean that I can’t take a smidge of advice.

Lastly, I require a role model and I know of the perfect one: Doctor Steel [now defunct, but you can find images and videos]. For me, just because you want to build a giant laser to etch your name on the moon doesn’t mean you can’t have a certain panache. And Doctor Steel has style to spare. He even brings out Big Bird’s inner henchmen. (Ohh, you’ll have to dig hard for that picture, my little ninnies!) HA, Ha, Ha, ha, ha… Oooo-weee, that felt good. I’m better now.

April, 2006