–This one was edited heavily prior to publication; probably for the best
The April 1 holiday brings a deluge of events to Family Valued. Floating among the calendrical detritus in the City sub-basement, we confronted the Junior Correspondent in Charge of Press Releases and Staph Infections. According to the J.C.C.P.R.S.I., “You’d have to be a fool not to call ahead.” Bearing that in mind, here’s the Family Valued April Fool’s Day Calendar:
Event: Kids Pirate Challenge — meet ‘n’ greet with Captain Contraband; hide ‘n’ seek aboard unattended vessels on the canal and river, Coast Guard Station. May require subsequent court appearance.
Special Event: Museum of Science Blow Those Winter Blahs Away: Wield A Hammer & Whack-A-Gopher — featuring Groundhog Day music, crafts, and live-action whack-a-mole game sponsored by P.E.T.A., Science Museum.
Exhibition: Greece Ridge Mall Family Fun Day, 1 p.m.: Pet A Cow, Cuddle A Chicken, McDonald’s parking lot | 1:05 p.m. Shoot Out the Lights, Dick’s Sporting Goods | 2-4 p.m. Cry Me A River, Kay-Bee Toys.
Lecture: “Infant Guano-Powered Automobile: No Longer A Dream” Dr. Peter P. Inpanse; demonstration to follow in parking lot; bring your own air freshener, R.I.T.
Theater: Git-R-Done, Little Engine visiting artists Blue Collar Comedy Tour from down south present their interpretations of popular children’s tales, with profanity. Twice nightly, Geva Nextstage. $122.50.
Benefit: No Child Left Behind Benefit Dinner, Barbara Bush, keynote apology; valet SUV parking, benefit homeless auction, Convention Center, 5-8 p.m. $120/married couple, $150/single parent.
Film: Breakout Penguins (G): A lemur (Prince), three penguins (Rosie, Oprah, Madonna), and a rabid litter box (John Leguizamo) escape incarceration at the National Zoo. They find freedom on the National Mall along with a latent interest in environmental politics. They befriend a lost puppy (Sean Astin). Amidst scenes of intense, animated violence, Little Dumpturd learns a powerful lesson. The world (Robin Williams) is unchanged, but better. Songs by Elton “freakin’” John.